Five Signs of Poor Communication in Marriage

Effective communication is the cornerstone of a successful marriage. When couples step into my office, I observe not just what they say but also how they say it. Communication isn't just about exchanging words; it's about understanding, empathy, and mutual respect. In this blog post, we'll explore five common signs of poor communication in marriage and offer practical strategies to create healthier communication habits, drawing insights from Relational Life Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Gottman Method.

Defensiveness

It's natural to feel defensive when conflicts arise, but constant defensiveness can hinder constructive dialogue. Instead of immediately going on the defensive, try to listen to your partner's perspective without feeling attacked. Validate their feelings, even if you disagree with their point of view. Relational life therapy emphasizes the importance of empathetic listening and validation in fostering emotional connection and resolving conflicts. Keep in your mind that this is someone you love and care about. (Johnson, 2008) (Real, 2008).

Unbridled Self-Expression

While it's important to express yourself honestly in a marriage, it's equally important to do so with empathy and consideration for your partner's feelings. Unfiltered self-expression can come across as being selfish and dismissive of your partner's emotions. I encourage couples to express their needs and desires authentically while being attuned to their partner's emotional state (Bader & Pearson, 2015). When approaching your partner with a complaint or concern- minimize it to 3-4 sentences. You want to give your partner an opportunity to respond and not feel like you are dominating the conversation.

Needing to be Right

“Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?” - Terry Real

The need to be right is a common stumbling block in communication. When you prioritize being right over understanding your partner's perspective, it creates a power struggle that undermines the health of your relationship. Needing to be right often creates competition in a marriage. Instead of listening to understand- couples will only hear or respond to what they believe is wrong about their partner’s experience. Start with paraphrasing what your partner said ( not what you interrupt from it), give them confirmation on what you agree with or tell them what part of their experience makes sense to you. Relational life therapy emphasizes the importance of humility and vulnerability in communication, encouraging couples to prioritize understanding and connection over winning arguments (Bader & Pearson, 2015).

Stonewalling or being Evasive

Stonewalling is a communication move in which a person shuts down and withdraws from expressing their emotions and thoughts. Metaphorically speaking, the receiving partner often feels like they are “talking to a brick wall.” They never know what is on their partner’s mind, leading to frustration.

Stonewalling is a poor communication sign that can hinder emotional intimacy in a marriage. Stonewalling, or withdrawing from communication, shuts down dialogue and prevents issues from being addressed effectively. Complaining without offering solutions can lead to frustration and resentment. Instead of stonewalling, communicate openly and honestly with your partner, even if it feels uncomfortable. Instead of complaining, focus on expressing your needs and desires in a constructive and respectful manner.

Criticizing

I can see the list in their head- every grievance, every wrongdoing, every time their partner said they would do something but didn’t follow through. I can understand the desire to “let it all out”, to finally get your points across in the hopes that the therapist may offer validation they deeply crave from their spouse. However, this fifth sign of poor communication in marriage

Criticism is toxic to a marriage. Constantly nitpicking and finding fault with your spouse erodes trust and intimacy over time. Instead of focusing on what's wrong, try to offer constructive feedback and support each other's growth. Focus on the positive aspects of your spouse and express appreciation for their efforts. By fostering a culture of encouragement and support, you can build a stronger and more resilient relationship. Instead of complaining- say what you want from your partner. Talk about your needs and be sure you are specific. There is a difference between “ You never help me with the kids at night” vs. “ On Mondays and Tuesdays, can you put the kids in bed.”

Often, these patterns develop not out of malice but from a lack of awareness or unmet emotional needs. Couples may find themselves stuck in negative communication cycles because of past experiences in relationships, learned behaviors from their family of origin, or unresolved conflicts. Not to mention, external stressors such as work, parenting, financial, or family issues can make communication even more challenging. By acknowledging the underlying emotions and vulnerabilities that contribute to poor communication, couples can approach the journey toward healthier communication with compassion and patience.

At The Nesting Space LLC., I help couples identify their poor communication in their marriage and help them gain the skills for healthier communication.

References:

Bader, E., & Pearson, P. (2015). In Quest of the Mythical Mate: A Developmental Approach to Diagnosis and Treatment in Couples Therapy. Routledge.

Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.

Real, T. (2008). The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Make Love Work. Ballantine Books.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony.