How To Stop Arguing Over Small Things
The towel. The dog’s bowl. The way the laundry was folded. When the trash is being taken out.
“ You left your towel on the floor.”
“I thought you were going to wait to watch that show with me.”
Couples come to marriage counseling because they can’t get out of a cycle of arguing over small things. “ We need to work on our communication skills” is a phrase I often hear during a consultation call. In this blog post, Kayla Stewart, LMFT talks about how you and your spouse can stop arguing over small things.
Dive Deeper
Arguing over small things may actually stem from deeper underlying marital issues. For example, one partner may feel unappreciated or overwhelmed by their share of housework. “ I’m sick of it; I do everything in this house and no one notices- all that I ask is that I don’t walk into the house with dirty laundry everywhere.” At the same time, the other partner feels criticized and misunderstood. “ I also clean around the house. I’m tired, so I’m not allowed to relax after work?! You make it seem like I am lazy and don’t do anything around the house”.
These small things are often rooted in deeper emotional needs or poor signs of communication within the marriage. Addressing these underlying issues requires honest self-insight. Ask yourself if it is about the “small thing”. What message or thoughts come to your mind when you see these small things happening? The dirty laundry may be attached to a laundry list of moments you felt abandoned by your partner, and perhaps they haven’t shown up for you in ways you needed them to.
Diving deeper means you can start a conversation that sounds more like this:
“ I feel frustrated when I come home and the laundry isn’t done. This is something you agreed you would do for me. When I see the piles of dirty laundry- it reminds me of deeper issues we have around following through and showing up for one another”.
Problem Solve
Instead of arguing over small things, shift the conversation towards finding a solution. Remember- the problem is the problem- not your partner. I say this because the conversation can quickly become a cycle of criticism and defensiveness. We are often skilled in complaining but lack the skills to communicate needs effectively and consistently. The Feedback Wheel provides steps to structure your conversation. Focus on one particular issue and be concise in expressing the particular problem and the specific positive need. So, let’s break this down even further:
Feelings: I feel frustrated and overwhelmed when I see dirty laundry scattered around the house. It makes me feel like the workload isn't evenly shared, and it creates a sense of clutter and disorganization that affects my peace of mind.
The Request and/or Need: I would appreciate it if we could both make an effort to tidy up after ourselves and put our dirty laundry in the designated hamper. It would help me feel more supported and less stressed about the state of our home.
Go further by providing specific solutions to your spouse: “Since most of the dirty laundry is scattered in the bathrooms, we can put a hamper in each bathroom to keep the dirty laundry organized.”
Pick Your Battles Together
As time passes, it's natural to start noticing more of your partner's flaws, leading you to view them through a negative lens. You're wearing glasses that only highlight their imperfections, making it hard to see the good qualities you once cherished. This tendency to focus on the negative can cloud your feelings and dampen your love and appreciation for them. But remember, you have the power to change this perspective.
Involve your partner in what battles are worth addressing and which ones you can let go off—radically accepting that you and your partner are different and have different ways of doing things.
Ask yourself if it is more important that your spouse fold the clothes OR that they fold them EXACTLY how you like them.
Ask yourself, when was the last time you verbally expressed appreciation to your spouse?
Try to consciously shift your focus to the positive aspects of your partner, like adjusting those glasses to see the full picture—their quirks, imperfections, and all the reasons why you fell in love with them in the first place.
If you’ve tried these things and they still haven’t worked— consider finding a couples therapist who has experience helping couples with their communication issues.
Sources:
Real, Terry. New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work. Random House, 2007.
Johnson, Sue. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company, 2008.
