Affair Recovery: How to Move Past an Emotional Affair

Whether you are the betrayed partner or the involved partner- navigating the aftermath of an affair takes patience, understanding, and commitment from both partners. If you’ve found your relationship in the aftermath of an affair- know that healing is a possibility. Affairs often shatters the image of what a relationship is. However, it can be be better. You and your partner can pick up the pieces a build a new mosaic- a new relationship that was better then before.

To get there, it requires two people to lean toward the possibility of a new relationship for them. So now- let’s explore how couples can move past an emotional affair and rebuild trust and connection.

For clarity: “Involved/Affair” partner is person who had the affair. “Betrayed Partner” who was betrayed by the affair. “Third-Person” the person involved in the affair. 

What is an Emotional Affair ? How Do Emotional Affairs Begin?

When couples ask me for a resource, I quickly grab “ Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass. Glass defines emotional affairs as “ intimacy without sex”. It’s when one partner invests emotional energy, time and attention to someone outside of the relationship. Often, what occurs is a bond with a third person. It often happens without intent at first. For example, there are shared interests or shared workspace. Quick conversations in the office may turn to more intimate conversations about stressors and relationship issues. 

“ We worked together for a few years,”

 “ We grew up together, and we reconnected on Facebook… one day I got a message from him”, 

“ It was innocent- I knew she was going through a hard time with her husband…she needed someone to talk to”

There is often a level of secrecy or withholding that the involved partner engages in. 

How Do We Start Getting Over the Affair?

The first step in healing from an emotional affair is for the involved partner to acknowledge the impact of the affair, show remorse, and take responsibility for their actions. Involved partners come into my office either openly acknowledging the affair happened or admittedly denying or minimizing that their behaviors constituted an affair. 

“ She’s just a friend,”

 “ it wasn’t a big deal,” 

“ It was just some text messages.”

 From my experience, these are signs that their road to recovery will be stalled. You can’t rebuild a house if you don’t acknowledge that a hurricane hit it. I see far more couples recover successfully when the involved partner starts with:

 “Yes, I had an emotional affair”

“ I see that my actions hurt you. I feel bad knowing my actions are causing you pain”

Admitting you hurt your partner and saying these words can bring up so much shame, guilt, and heartbreak- however, it is also the first step to regaining trust in your marriage

How to Rebuild Trust after an Affair? 

Brick by brick. 

Trust is not given- trust is earned- trust is established through clear evidence and witnessing trustworthy behavior. This gradual process requires both consistency and patience. It’ll take more than one conversation, more than one “ I’m sorry” to wash away the heartbreak, anger and worries.  Each of you will have your own duties and responsibilities in the affair recovery process. As I turn to the involved partner and coach them on how to be remorseful and honest, I also turn to the betrayed partner and emphasize the importance of expressing their emotions and what they need to begin to feel safer. 

“ But I don’t want to be his mother… I shouldn’t have to tell him this.”

 I look at her with understanding—she’s heartbroken. The affair was a blow to her self-esteem. She spent the last years feeling as though she was a burden and naturally gravitated towards people-pleasing behaviors….I get it—asking for what she needs goes in direct contrast to who she has been in this relationship.

I shared some of this insight with her, and then I said, “ You’re not his mother. You’re a woman who is taking care of herself by knowing what she needs” 

If your partner needs to delete their social media accounts to rebuild trust and safety, tell them. If they need to check in every hour of the day, either via phone call or text message, tell them. By telling them what you need, your partner will have a clear understanding of how to make things better. They will no longer have the burden of figuring out what the betrayed partner needs.

How Will I Know Another Affair Won’t Happen?

I wish I could give you a formula on how to prevent it from happening in the future. Often this question is followed with:

“ How can I trust her again?”

“ How will I know he isn’t keeping secrets from me?”

“ How do I know it’ll be different this time?”. 

Understanding the deeper reasons for the affairs can help you gain insight into how to prevent an affair from happening in the future. Ester Perel’sl Investigative Questions is a tool I often provide to couples after an affair is discovered. The factual details of an affair - like “ how many dates did you go on” are important. However,  investigative questions get deeper into the meaning and motive of the involved partner. 

“Did you lie out of deception or were you hoping to protect me with your lies?” 

“ What was it like for you to lie?”

“What did you discover about yourself in that relationship? “

Investigative questions help partners decide if they want to move forward or move out. 

I ask my client, “What drew you to him?” She looks up at me and thinks for a moment. She details how they met and their early interactions. I notice her face brighten—something I have not seen often in sessions. I tell her what I notice. 

She goes on to say, “ I found myself.” Now, a mixture of joy, pain, shame, and guilt wash over her—tears well in her eyes, her face in her hands.  

I can see all the complexities for her in that moment: the shame and Guilt that come with breaking her partner's heart, the joy of finding Herself, and the shame of showing up yet again because… “Why did I have to find myself this way?”

 You see- it was never about the affair and it was never about her husband- it became the story of a woman who lost connection with herself for many years. Self-sacrificing for the sake of her husband, not knowing how to assert herself, giving herself away- piece by piece. 

The affair meant a lost childhood, a woman who self-sacrifced for too long, a build up of Pain and Resentment that had no where to go. 

The initial question of “How Will I Know Another Affair Won’t Happen?” now branches out to “ How will I stop sacrificing my needs for my husband and children” “ How will I begin loving myself again” “ How will I begin setting boundaries for myself”.

Emotional Intimacy after Infidelity

Often ( but not always) I hear about couples who have lost emotional intimacy in their relationship long before the affair happened. They lost emotional intimacy with themselves by withholding, withdrawing and numbing out. They’ve lost the connection with their partner. Rebuilding intimacy is an essential step if a couple is choosing to recover from infidelity. As Glass emphasizes, "the most important predictor of whether or not a relationship can survive an affair is how much emotional intimacy exists between partners."

Wife: “Ever since my husband cheated on me- I put a wall up. I have to protect myself. Why would I put myself out there again. It’s not happening.” 

Husband “I get it- I hurt her. If she doesn’t want to be close to me….I mean, it’s fine. I understand. Maybe she will come around eventually”

I listen and interpret this as two people who have sat themselves at opposite ends of a room just waiting for the other to make the first move. They are stuck- vulnerability feels to risky. If he reaches- he fears being rejected. If she reaches- she fears being hurt again. So, sitting in their corners feels safer. They will need to decide what intimacy means to them and how they want to begin expressing it to their partner.

Choosing to make a move is not dependent on what your partner does. You have the power to decide if you want great intimacy or not. You can actively participate or not. Neither choice is seen as good or bad—it is just a choice.

Go to Couples Therapy for Infidelity

Moving past an emotional affair is so hard. I commend those who want to repair their marriage and understand those who choose not to. Affairs will always be part of your story- however, you can choose what to make of it. 

My wish is that this blog post provides some support to my readers. You and your partner do not have to be alone in this process. A skilled and trained couples therapist can help you explore the reasons for the affair, help you create a roadmap to affair recovery, and rebuild trust in your relationship.