3 Common Relationship Issues after Bringing Home Baby and Ways to Solve Them!
My Story
One thing I noticed during my pregnancy and perinatal experience is the lack of resources that were given to me on how to prepare for the mental shift AND relationship shift that occurs when you become a parent. Oh how I wish I knew about Postpartum Support International or taken a Bringing Home Baby course So not only was I trying to figure out why my hair was falling out postpartum- but I also noticed suddle differences in how my husband and I were interacting. It was different. It was sad at times. Other days frustrating…and some days I was too exhausted to even notice.
Postpartum Relationship Changes
Through my training at The Gottman Institute I learned exactly how bringing home baby can create new stressors for couples! In my work with couples these are some of the most common areas of concern.
1. Sex and Intimacy
Creating space for sex after giving birth is tough. You're exhausted, you're experiencing changes in your hormones and feeling “touched out” by your little one. You may being feeling uncomfortable with your body and feeling like a sexual being is hard when you’re breastfeeding around the clock. Its not uncommon for men in heterosexual couples to reconnect with their partner. They just saw them give birth and so figuring out how to engage in a sexual way may feel a little scary or uncomfortable.
How to keep Intimacy Alive:
Engage in a six second kiss
Make space to talk for 20 minutes a day
Twenty second hug
Hold hands when your sitting on the couch or taking a stroll with baby
Words of affirmation will make your partner feel loved
Express your appreciation! “ You’re a good mom” “ you’re a good dad” This itself boosts confidence when your partner is questioning their parenting abilities
Make dating a priority!
2. Parenting Expectations
Couples can find themselves in conflict when they have different expectations of one another. Common problems I hear are : “He doesn't help unless I ask him to”, “ I try to help but she doesn’t let me”, “ I am home all day with the baby and even when my partner is home- I still don’t get a break”, “ I feel alone in all of this”. I help couples have deeper conversations so they feel more understood, connected and supported in their new parenting role.
Here’s some questions to jump start the process:
What vision, values, and goals do we share as parents?
What has been the most challenging part of parenting? How can I make that a little easier for you?
What has been the easiest part of parenting?
I highly recommend couples pick up “The Fourth Trimester'' by Kimberly Johnson which has a whole section dedicated to the relational changes that occur postpartum- there’s questions to ask to help spark a dialogue on parenting expectations.
3. Communication: Asking for Help and Feeling Supported
Your partner can’t read your Mind. I repeat- your partner is NOT a mind reader. We can’t hold the expectation that your partner is going to know what you need. I mean- of course it feels good when our partner does something for us without us asking. But what's even BETTER is when you understand your needs, express your needs for support and they are there to support you. Not asking for help creates burnout and gradually resentment will begin to build.
How to Ask for Help and Give Support
1. Start the conversation gently. It’s easy to become critical of your partner- which will only make them such down or get defensive . So instead of starting with “ You never” or “You always”. Begin with “ I am feeling ____ and I could use your help with _____”. “ I could use support with”.
2. Ask your partner: How can I support you today? How can I make this a little easier?
3. Try not to get defensive with your partner. Having a raising a new baby is challenging and your partner is likely doing the best they can! Consider what outside stressors they may be experiencing. What ways have they tried? Maybe they also have insecurities and fears- but haven’t expressed them.
Here’s another tip: couples can assign designated tasks- for example, your partner will be in charge of bath time while you take a shower to decompress. This creates a routine of “helping” and takes the guesswork out of your partner figuring out what they need to do.
Seek Professional Support!
These changes are hard but manageable with good theraputic support! You don’t need to be at the brink of divorce to see a couplestherapist. Even a few couples counseling sessions can make a difference for couples and parents. So reach out to me, Kayla Stewart, LMFTA at The Nesting Space LLC if you or someone you know are seeking a professional specializing in couples therapy and postpartum support or check out Psychology Today for local therapists who can help!
