Baby, please go the f*ck to sleep.

7:00 pm would come and he would lose his shit. Google said it was called the “witching hour”. Apparently it was normal for babies to have this cranky period of crying that happens before their bedtime.
But lord did I hated the witching hour.

I was exhausted and the idea of rocking an inconsolable crying baby spiraled me into waves of anxiety.
I would say it in my head- “ baby, please go the f*ck to sleep”.
I would whisper it to myself- “ baby PLEASE go to sleeeeeep”
pleading and begging. because when the baby slept- that meant I could sleep.
rocking, walking, shushing, giving him to my husband to rock, swaddle, pacifier, breastfeed, burp, change diaper. cry.cry. quiet…..then finally- he was asleep.
That anxiety of getting him to sleep- it subsided. I could feel the tension leave my body a bit. I would lay in bed but now I couldn’t stop checking on him. Lifting my head from my pillow every two seconds to make sure he’s still breathing.

Baby was asleep but Anxiety now kept me up

“ Wait- is he too hot?” “ What if he’s too cold- I should have put him in long sleeves. His arms will get cold and that will wake him up”. “ Oh god- here I go worrying. Ugh, I need to relax and go to sleep.” “Wait- I forgot to take the clothes out of the washer….did I remember to feed the cats?” “ Oh shoot- he has his 3 month check up tomorrow morning. I wonder what the doctor is going to ask. I hate when he has to get shots. F*ck.”

This is what my postpartum anxiety looked like. It was relentless. Too many nights I’d sit up in bed feeling like the only person in the world not sleeping. The silence and darkness would swallow me. I hated it. I felt so alone.

Back then all I knew about was postpartum depression. I knew I didn’t feel like myself and the one time I reached out for help- I felt dismissed and that what I was experiencing was “ baby blues” and told “ its common and it’ll go away with time”. So I rationalized it in my head and pushed myself to just struggle through the days. I wish I had someone to educate me about Postpartum Depression, Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum OCD, Postpartum Bipolar Mood Disorder, PTSD and Psychosis.

It’s my personal stories like this one that led me to becoming trained in Perinatal Mood Disorders so I can help and provide resources to other folks. You don’t need to struggle alone. You don’t need to overwhelm yourself trying to understand the difference between all these perinatal mood disorders:

Postpartum Support International is my go to. So here is an overview: https://www.postpartum.net/learn-more/